And She Cast A Spell

Resting In Pieces

2004-11-28T04:13:00.000-08:00

"Those who deserve love are almost never made happy by it."
--Dangerous Liaisons

I told him I loved him. I did. In person. I had to say it because it was hurting more each day. Such courage from someone so scared must amount to something.

It was like ripping my heart out and handing it to a monkey. Apparently, I did not just rip it out and give it to a monkey, I even watched as the monkey threw it on the floor and stomped on it. Sometimes, I think I'm a masochist.

It would have been better if he laughed or used sarcasm. I would've taken his condescending tone and his expression of disbelief. But he used none of those, he did not even open his mouth. He gave me something else.

A blank stare.

The look in his eyes was so devoid of emotion. His eyes gazed onto an imaginary distance. His mind was thinking of nothing, his heart was feeling nothing.

There is nothing more painful than seeing emptiness in the eyes of the person you love. I must have died that day. I knew that it was time for me to let go.

To The One I Love Most

2004-11-23T01:57:00.000-08:00

I think about you.

I do that even if I know you are not even bothered by thoughts of me because there's so much for you to do. But I do think about you a lot. I wonder if you realize what you're doing with your life, if you know what you want, if you're truly happy.

Don't get me wrong--my days are full,too. I've got a new job, my family is moving into a new house, and in a few weeks time, I will be roughing it out on my own as well. I even have someone new in my life. I seem happy--in a way--but when I'm alone at night, I find myself drawn to thoughts of you. Then I realize that I've been lonely all this time.

It was not too long ago when I hoped you would wake up one day to realize that life was good when we were together. I even convinced myself that it was bound to happen because something that beautiful could not be ignored. Yet, there are two sides to a story, and what I found beautiful was nothing out of the ordinary to you. We do not always get what we hope for. Some wishes are destined to remain as wishes. That includes my wishing for you.

I love you.

I have loved you for so long even if I said I no longer did. You don't know how many times I've wanted to tell you--whenever I see you, whenever you smile, whenever you fall asleep in my arms, whenever you make me cry--but I held those words at bay. I wanted to let you know not because I wanted you to love me back but because it was beginning to hurt inside. However,I chose to respect your feelings and your peace of mind thus my silence.

I want to see you happy.

I pray that you would finally be relieved of the hurt and bitterness. There is nothing I want more than to know that you wake up with a smile on your face. I hope that you would one day open your eyes and see that there are so many opportunities for happiness. All you have to do is reach out and grab them.

Thank you so much.

The days I had with you were days when I was truly happy. Happy moments in my life, as you know, have been far and in-between. I am grateful for the quiet moments we shared together, for the stories we exchanged, and the arguments we went through. There are so many lessons I have learned through you. They say we never forget the ones who have touched our lives, no matter the distance or the length of time. It will hold true for me.

And yes, I will still think about you.

I know this, even as I write.

MY CHRISTMAS and BIRTHDAY WISH-LIST

2004-11-15T19:28:00.000-08:00

Don't get me wrong, I am the easiest person in the world to please. But it would give me a great deal of happiness if this coming Holiday Season (and my Birthday--December 21), you kind hearted-souls pick one of the items listed below as a present. I know, I know--it's a bit of a tacky thing to do--but hey, it beats wondering if I'd like whatever it is you took pains to wrap. By the way, you need not have two presents for me...one would suffice. (*This shameless ad was brought to you by Kapal and Feeling.)

1. A Mini-Pajero or Isuzu Mu (reserved for the Mother)
2. Harry Potter Hardbound Edition (1st year to 5th year)
3. An I-Pod (again, reserved for the Mother or the Aunts)
4. The Kurt Cobain Journal (available at this Bookstore in Powerplant)
5. A complete compilation of The Doors' albums (downloaded and burned in a CD would be highly appreciated but I will adore you if you give me an Original copy or the vinyl record)
6. Videos of High Fidelity, Almost Famous, Last Tango in Paris, Dirty Dancing, My Sassy Girl, Xu-Xu the Sent-down Girl, Les Choristes
7. A little black dress
8. Thongs from Victoria's Secrets
9. Victoria's Secrets Secret Crush PERFUME
10. A new steering wheel for my Augie
11. A CD player for my Augie
12. New Mag-wheels for my Augie (is that how you spell it?!)
13. One whole box of Novellino red wine
14. F.R.I.E.N.D.S., Sex and The City, Wonderwoman, Superman (1-4) video copies
15. A Lifesize poster of Aragorn of Lord of the Rings and Daniel Radcliffe of Harry Potter
16. A DVD copy of the LOTR Trilogy
17. A new memory card for my N3650
18. A Digi Cam
19. Dozens of yellow roses
20. Charlie White by Revlon
21. Bags--funky, formal, or casual--take your pick
22. A new Badminton Racket (RSL would be nice)
23. Kikay Accessories
24. Skirts
25. One year supply of Instant Carbonara (I think it's from Lucky Me)

okay, that's the first 25...give you the next 25 by Friday, hehehe!

NOBODY TAKES ANYBODY HOME: I AM NOT DRUNK!

2004-11-13T19:18:00.000-08:00

CHARACTERS:

ME -25 years old, logical good days but has had god-knows-how-many beers and gin-poms. in jammies and a sando blouse. has recently taken a liking to Emily the Strange. has decided to adapt the kid's brattiness and hairstyle.

JULIUS -23 years old, bratty on good days but has had god-knows-how-many beers and gin-poms. in a red shirt and jeans. has decided he is the incarnate form of the issue-laden Yusaku Godai or Shinji Ikari. Currently trying out a trauma-trauma-trauma lifestyle.

AJ - 20 years old, self-confessed wanna-be drama queen on good days and has had god-knows-how-many beers and ginpoms. in a red blouse and low-rider jeans. has decided to be the official PR person for Spongebob Squarepants: The Movie. love life is in a shattered- like slump.

GUEST - hmmmmm. celebrity.

SETTING:
A house-warming party for a friend. Main Characters have played tong-its, drank, mingled with guests, drank, ate shredded crispy pata, drank, sang tunes by the Beatles, Eraserheads, Sugarfree, drank. It was already four o'clock in the morning. Me was already bounce-walking.

Me: I wanna go home.
AJ: What?

Me: I said I wanna go home.
AJ: Why?

Me: Because I miss my bed.
AJ: Antayin na naten mag-5:30 tas uwi na tayo.

Me: I wanna go home now. Kaya ko naman mag-drive e. Julius, susi ko.

AJ looks at Julius exasperatedly. He hands Me her car key. Me says her goodnights to everyone at the party. She heads for the gate. AJ and Julius follow.

Me: O, san kayo pupunta?
Julius: Ihahatid ka namen.
Me: Hindi naman kelangan e, I can drive.
AJ: Hello, ok ka lang?
Me: Oo naman. Pede na kayo maiwan dito. You guys can sleep over without me.

At this point, they reach Me's car. Julius leans on the Driver's door.

Julius: Hindi ka uuwi mag-isa.
Me: Huh? Says who?
Julius: Me. Ako. Sabi ko.
AJ: Me, you can't drive!
Me: Ano ba, I can. I am not drunk!!!

Me goes to the middle of the street where there is a line that bisects it. She raises her arms sidewards and proceeds to walk in a supposed-to-be-straight-line.

Me: See? I told you. I can drive. I am not drunk! Balik na kayo dun.
Julius: Hindi nga. Kung gusto mo umuwi, ihahatid ka namen. Hindi ka nga uuwi mag-isa.

AJ: Alam mo Me, lasing ka na e. Tama na yan. If you want to go home, let's all go home.
Me: Ano ba! Stop baby-sitting me! I can go home. (looks at Julius) Alis ka na dyan. Balik na nga kayo sa loob e!

A car stops by and the driver rolls down her window. Me comes up to her and sheepishly smiles.

GUEST: Is there a problem here?
Me: I can't get into my car.

AJ: Eh she can't drive nga, GUEST e! She's drunk and she wants to drive home!

GUEST: Me, give Julius the key.
Me: Hay nako! Ano ba! I can drive home. I don't see what the fuss is about.

GUEST: Me, look here. Give him the key so you guys can go home na.(Me grudgingly hands the car key to Julius) See that's better! You guys take care. Text me when you get home.

GUEST drives away. Julius and AJ retrieve their stuff and return to the car. The three climb in and made for Ciudad Me.

Me: I don't see what is this for. I don't see why you guys have to drive me home pa. You could have stayed over!
AJ: Hello! Kaya kame nandun kase andun ka!

Me: Huh? Since when pa sa ken umikot ang sitwasyon? I just said I wanted to go home. What is so wrong with that? Why the fuss?
Julius: Hindi ka dapat mang-iwan sa ere.

Car traverses Katipunan avenue. Me keeps ranting in the front seat. AJ chooses to keep silent. Julius drives sullenly.

Me: And you! Ikaw pa Julius, you should know me. You know I can drive. I mean, this is my car! I've been in far worse situations at kaya ko naman umuwi. Tas pipilitin nyong ihatid ako. Ano ba yan. When I say I am not drunk, it means I AM NOT DRUNK! Ako pa ang gaganyanin nyo! I do think I am a better driver than you!

Car exits Tandang Sora, takes a right onto Commonwealth Avenue. Me repeats her whole rant for emphasis.

Me: Ikaw pa Julius, you should know me. You know I can drive. I mean, this is my car! I've been in far worse situations at kaya ko naman umuwi. Tas pipilitin nyong ihatid ako. Ano ba yan. When I say I am not drunk, it means I AM NOT DRUNK! Ako pa ang gaganyanin nyo! I do think I am a better driver than you! You guys don't even have to go home nga e! You could have stayed there. Ano ba yan. Look, I don't like this happening again. I appreciate it but please. You didn't have to drive me all the way here. Hindi nga ako lasing e. I am not drunk!

Julius: (raises his voice and points his finger at Me) IKAW! TAMA NA HA. TUMIGIL KA NA. KANINA KA PA. TIGILAN MO NA YAN.

AJ: (mutters) Julius, wag mo nang patulan.

Me: Did you just yell at me?! Huwag mo akong duduruin. Wala pang dumuduru sa ken. How dare you yell at me! As I said, I am not drunk! Hindi ako lasing. I just want to go home because I miss my bed. What's so wrong with that? Ano yun?

Car turns left to Ciudad Me. Julius parks the car in front of Me's house. All three characters alight. Julius heads for the compartment and gets his baggage.

Me: O san ka pupunta?
Julius: Sabay na kame ni AJ ngayon.
Me: NGAYON?
Julius: Oo ngayon.
AJ: (silence)
Me: Ano ba, ihahatid ko na kayo.
AJ: Ok ka lang. Umakyat ka na. Pumasok ka na sa room mo. Sleep ka na.

AJ and Julius walk toward the Village Gate. Julius addresses the Guard. Me gets into the car, reverses it and drives to the Gate as well.

Julius: Manong, huwag nyo na palabasin yan. Nakainom na yan.
Guard: Wala kaming magagawa, sila ang may-ari ng bahay e.

Me honks her horn. Guard opens the gate. Me rolls down her window.

Me: Ano yan? Ihahatid ko na nga kayo palabas!
AJ: Me, we just want to go home...

Me drives off and heads to UP where she waited for the sunrise she could not see. AJ and Julius go to a radioshack where they wait for the sun to rise too. Me goes home at 10:30 in the morning after a park-and-sleep session at Shell Select Commonwealth. AJ heads South to Cavite. Julius and his huge baggage took a Bulacan-bound bus. Nobody took anybody home.

*****

I would like to say big thank you's to the bestest friends in the whole wide world:AJ and Julius. I was one babbling-psychotic-bitch last night but you guys had the patience to deal with me. i appreciate it, BIG TIME. If ever I get drunk, I wanna get drunk with you guys. But it stands: I was TIPSY last night but I was NOT drunk.
I love you both.

DON'T TOUCH THE VIRGIN

2004-10-08T01:30:00.000-07:00

I feel absurdly accomplished and unbelievably poor today. I was able to do two things that I have been putting off until I get reasonable splurge money or a job. I paid off my overdue cellphone bill and bought new tyres for my good ol' Augie. Let me tell you, putting off is an understatement. I was more like ignoring the whole thing 'til kingdom come. I should have kept it that way (yeah,right!).

My cellphone has been on re-direct for about a month and half already. My bill ran upto eleven-fucking-thousand pesos (pardon my cussing but damn!) in two months. Now, how does one come up with an Accounts Payable such as mine? Simple: get your heart broken by some guy and then call everyone up on your mobile phone everytime you feel like crying! Ever spent two hours on your mobile phone while in the middle of a traffic jam, yapping about how you were used, abused, and confused? I have. Lots of times. Hence, an P11,000 phonebill from Simply Amazing.

Now my tyres are a different story. My Augie (a 1997 Mitsubishi Mirage GLXi) has not had a change of tyres since 2000. My tyres were dreadfully worn out, one of them actually rendered unusable when I was fortunate enough to run over an uncovered manhole. But of course, stupid as I am, I did not get a replacement. I simply used my spare tyre. Yeah, I am a neglectful parent--so sue me. Anyway, I paid for it dearly. Three weeks ago, I was on my way to Subic with a few friends when I had a flat tyre in the middle of nowhere at 3am! Imagine: no spare tyre, a useless jack (the tyre was so deflated, my semi-lowered vehicle became LOWERED big time and nothing can be squeezed in underneath it), no flashlight, and a gasoline station 5-6 blocks away. Upon vulcanizing, we were told the tyre wouldn't last until Manila. We had to get a brand new tyre just to make it home. I resolved to get my poor little baby new rubbershoes after that.

However, I am now down-troddenly-absolutely-undeniably-grudgingly-guiltily-POOR. Poor. Impoverished. Penniless. Me.

As I said, I was trying to ignore everything until I could readily finance myself but fate would not let it be. Every night, I tortured myself by thinking of a Demand Letter specially delivered to me by Simply Amazing or my tyres shredding into rubberbands in the middle of the New Improved North Luzon Expressway. This morning, I decided I had enough of it all.

I stealthily took one of The Forbidden Passbooks from the family drawers. It belonged to me (don't get any ideas), my brother has his own, too. It actually contains a Savings Account that was opened the day we were born. Every month, the parents and grandparents deposit allowances into the it. Under no circumstances should the money in it be withdrawn, transferred, or worse spent. My Forbidden Passbook was untouched for almost 25 years. It lost its virginity today.

Of course, Stupid Little Me did not even venture to think someone would squeal. Ironically, the first person to call me up on my newly-reconnected cellphone line was my Mother. Apparently, the Bank Manager called her up to inform her of a withdrawal of Pxx,xxx.xx. By the time, I paid for my brand-spanking-new-tyres, I knew I was going to be dirt-poor for the rest of my jobless existence. I was right.

It was a lengthy discussion on The Rules, Money, Spending, Working, etc. Here's the deal: 1)My Forbidden Passbook will be kept in my Mother's Office from this day onward until I get married/leave the country. 2) No lacuacha money unless I earn it myself (which means I need to get my arse up and about). 3) The moment I start working, I will be paying back the money I withdrew. Now, #3 sucks bigtime.

Man, no wonder they say Virgins are Off-limits! Harhar.

STREWN STARS DROPPING OUT OF THE SKY

2004-10-05T02:45:00.000-07:00

"Hi. Got ur # fr liza. Its bn a wyl. Cn u mit me at eastwud sbc 2mrw morning, arnd 10am? Sumthing I hav 2 tel u.--sean"

He was the one she really truly wanted to love for the rest of her life. The guy she just had to marry, have children with, and grow old with. She loved him with everything she had, in everyway she knew. Somehow, she knew he loved her too. But it just did not work out the way she wanted. They were both too young, too full of their own ambitions, and too busy with fixing every little personal issue that by the time half a year passed, they were too tired to deal with the relationship. He did not know what to do with himself nor how to handle "being together". She was ready for anything. He simply walked away from it and she did nothing to stop him. She did not even tell him just what he meant to her.

She read and re-read the whole message. "It's been a while" is an understatement. It's been years since she last saw him, three mobile numbers ago, two chapters of her life have passed since she last heard from him and he drops out of nowhere to say he wanted to meet her for coffee? This could not be happening. Not to her. Not at this time.

***

"Hi."

He got up from his chair and gave her a perfunctory kiss on the cheek. His cappuccino was untouched. She simply refused to notice anything else.

"Hi yourself. What's up with you? Last time I saw you was three years ago!"

It was then that she got a good look at him. He looked better than the last time. He still had chinky eyes, a beautiful smile, clean-cut hair and broad shoulders. But there was an air of confidence about him that dismissed any doubts of change. Gone was the confused yet carefree boy she fell in love with. In his place was a man who knew what he wanted. It was in his eyes.

"I'm okay. You look good. Finally got your braces,huh? What are you doing now?"

The small talk was killing her. Why does his whole face have to light up whenever he smiled? Her stomach was doing cartwheels as she told him that she was in-between jobs but she was expecting work by the second week of this month. She asked him what kept him busy. He said he graduated college a year after they broke up. It was good to know that he took over the family business and that it was doing well.

***

"I'm getting married three weeks from now."

"Wow. Best wishes! Who's the lucky girl?"

"Her name is Christine. We've been together for two years."

"Great. Is this an invitation?"

"No. I just wanted to tell you that a week ago, I wished I was marrying you."

***

It happened a month after his wedding proposal. He congratulated himself for being ready this time. He had let numerous opportunities for happiness pass and he was not letting this one slide. Christine may not be the perfect girl but she was just right--in the right place, the right time, and she met the "right" him.

Traffic was usually bad in Katipunan so he took a detour into a university campus. Driving along, a memory hit him so strongly, it was like being punched in the gut and waking up in tremendous pain.

Stars were strewn all over the velvet sky, the music of a well-known ska band, the cool breeze of dawn approached. A young man put his arms around a young woman, hugged her tight and kissed her forehead...

So many memories yet it was always this one that haunted him the most. Realizations like these hit one with a blinding flash. He was ready for marriage. He had met the right girl. But why was he wishing that he could marry somebody else? Somebody from three years ago?

She was the one he really truly wanted to love for the rest of his life. The woman he just had to marry, have children with and grow old with. He just did not know it three years ago. He recounted how he did not really feel at a loss when he walked out on their relationship then. He even thought that he was better off without her. But he has never forgotten what they had--it was always his standard even if he would not admit it to himself. He always had something that was lesser or better but it was never the same. He never felt the same.

***
"I'm sorry..."

She looked better than the last time he saw her. Longer hair that reached her shoulders, a slimmer figure, a snobbish face complimented by seemingly involuntary arching eyebrows. She was never beautiful but this morning, she was perfect. She did not laugh as much. He always loved her laughter. He noticed there was a certain weariness in her eyes. Weariness that can only come from hurting. Something that he was guilty of doing to her three years ago. She did not have to say anything after that.

They smiled sadly at each other. She looked at her watch and made the usual motions for leaving. He took his first and last sip of a cooled cappuccino. She stood up and made for the door, he followed her out quietly. She returned his perfunctory kiss on the cheek with one of her own and walked away without a word. He did not even bother to tell her once more of what he felt. He could no longer explain what she meant to him.

"Hi. It wuz gud 2 c u agn. Tnx 4 letting me knw. Best wishes. Goodbye.--ella"

AWAKENING

2004-09-28T14:15:00.000-07:00

I woke up today and decided to do one thing: LET GO.

No man is worth any of my tears. I would have to be a dork for not knowing this after all the relationships I've had. No wonder God keeps giving me men who are all wrong for me--it's because I keep falling for the same traps. I'm like the slow kid in school, the one who takes the same exam over and over because he just cannot seem to hack it. I have been taking on the same relationships and I keep failing--because I simply skip item number 1--which is to love myself more.

I was brought up to believe that when you love someone, you put out everything you can, exhaust all efforts, and cry all your tears before giving up. I have done so much for most of my relationships from shallow stuff like picking up the boyfriend (even if it entailed waiting for two hours before he gets off from work) to begging for another chance (even if I did not do anything wrong to begin with). I have always believed that relationships could work, if one half of the couple wants it bad enough. Obviously, I grew up reading and watching Walt Disney versions of the Tales of Brothers Grimm. Reality, as I have learned, is not so kind.

I am letting go.

NAGHIHINGALO

2004-09-27T23:41:00.000-07:00

I was about to log off the internet when I recieved a message from one half of the Kittens.

Hay. naghihingalo. nyemas.

It has never really sank in, until today, that my very existence has been in gasps ever since that fateful dawn a week ago. I have managed to convince myself that I was all right. I even congratulated myself for taking everything in a stride. Until that text message.

In gasps. It is only now that I realize I have always been a breath away from weeping. Ironically, I couldn't even seem to remember how happy I was a few weeks ago. Aren't dreams like that? They start out so beautifully perfect but then you wake up to reality and you can't even remember what they were about in the first place.

TO WHAT WAS ONCE BEAUTIFUL

2004-09-22T13:42:00.000-07:00

A month ago, he held my hand and everything was right in the world. There is nothing to be afraid of, he said, because I will always be here, holding your hand.

I knew I found someone beautiful. I felt it in his smile, heard it in his voice, saw it in his eyes. I remember how his face would light up the moment he wakes up and sees me right next to him in the morning. I still know what it's like to go to sleep with a smile on my face at the thought of him at night.

But he let go of my hand. I am lost. He has chosen to forget.

Now there is pain, mixed with tears and memories.

I do not know what else to write.

FIRE IN MY PANTS

2004-09-07T21:51:00.000-07:00

It’s one o’ clock in the morning and I figured that now is a good time as any to have a smoke. I feel for my slippers in the dark and shuffle my way out to the balcony. The mat of stars overhead immediately greets me as I search lingeringly for my man in the sky. The moon decided to take a sabbatical. I settle down on one of the plastic chairs scattered about and leaned back, savoring my first puff. There are only two things I cannot deny myself of: cigarettes and sex. Curiously, they both have something to do with heat, with fire. One is the warm glow I am currently enjoying, the other is a hungry blaze unleashed. One is in my mouth…the other in my pants. I have been name-called a lot of times because I indulge my passions. Others say I should have been born a man. Whoever said smoking and fucking were gender-based activities should go back to the boondocks and live under a rock! I’d rather call myself honest: when I need to smoke, I get a cig. When I need to get laid, I get a man. I’m not one of those hypocrites who claim to be decent yet end up short of touching themselves after reading a Judith McGraw novel. Well, enough of my sentiments. I want to enjoy my cigarette the usual way: I play Smokes.

I let out a wisp of smoke. It took on a human form I knew so well. Dale. Ah, the very thought of him is enough to curl my toes. He was utterly delicious. We had nothing but pure, raw, animalistic sex. It was frenetic and mind-blowing. We did it everywhere: in the car, in the restroom of a club, in the UP Sunken Garden. Name the place and we probably left a mark there. The more unconventional it was, the better. The thrill of getting caught was fuel to our hungry fire that always led to a thunderous explosion of moans and shudders. The sex was deliriously unforgettable. It is one of my Smokes all-time favorites.

I release another whiff, and I see Michael. Boyish and wonderfully attentive, he was the complete opposite of Dale. Making love to Michael was slow yet unadulteratingly sweet. I could not bring myself to call it sex. That would be tantamount to sacrilege! While Dale would leave kissmarks on my breasts, Michael would be whispering endearments in my ear. Dale would take me anytime and anywhere he pleases. Michael would make sure of an intimate hideaway in the heights of Tagaytay or the velvet blanket of stars on the beach where we could explore our passion and indulge our senses. What we had was like a bonfire: warm, inviting, and languorous.

I take another drag and here comes Jim. He has become part of my Smokes now. He is the reason why I am out here, enjoying a cigarette at the balcony. I always had this notion of him as a match waiting to be lit. Imagine a male virgin at 23. Wasn’t that species extinct? My ultimate fantasy was to go through the first time experience from another point of view. I wanted to be his teacher. He was to be my student. So I set my sights on him. I flirted, teased and taunted him wantonly. Finally, after last night’s drinking, he finally agreed to spend the night with me. I wanted to be unforgettable. I made sure that I would blow him away with every temptation, every position, and every technique I could offer. So there I was, straddled on top of him…pumping, grinding, squeezing…hoping to strike up his desires and release him from his inhibitions. I was getting caught up in wave after wave of fervor, when he suddenly breaks down in tears.

He was gay.

I needed a cigarette.

So here I am, out on a moonless night, consoling myself with a cigarette. I release a final breath of smoke and see myself hazily. Then the other smoke-figures come to life once more and they dance around me in a pulsating rhythm. I watch my figures gyrate to the age-old dance between man and woman. The music reaches a crescendo and one by one the smoke figures disappear. I am left with a smoldering heat, liquid fire in my pants. Stubbing out my cigarette, I head back towards the room. Reminiscing cannot assuage a warm glow of longing that built itself back to a feverish desire. I open the door and my eyes fly towards the figure on the bed: Jim. Jim with the blanket tucked around him up to his chin. He was stuck to his side of the bed-- declaring him unreachable, unavailable, and undeniably gay. I bite back an oath and make my way for the bathroom.

I have to make do with a cold shower instead.

***

N.B.: I wrote this story last year in a creative writing class. I was so smitten by my professor. he was so cute, smelled so good, and was so gay. hence the theme of the story. hope you liked it!

QUARTER-SCHMARTER

2004-09-07T16:14:00.000-07:00

It has just hit me that the -ber months have finally arrived. I am suddenly aware that a few months from now, I will be 26 years old. I have to say goodbye to the nostalgia of being 25, of being a quarter of a century old. Three months from now, I will have no more excuse for my lack of focus--I have to get my act together.

I had an almost-perfect life. I had everything a girl could want materially: I drove my own car, owned the latest cellphone model, had enough shopping and party money, and no curfew. I was blessed in my relationships as well: my family was solidly happy, my then boyfriend and I were more in love than ever, and I was surrounded by lovingly supportive friends. My career could not have been any better: I was hosting a prime time radio show with one of the industry's legends, I was segment producer for the station, and I was getting hosting gigs left and right. Absolutely perfect. Everything was in its own place.

However, a teensy-weensy part of me always expected to be in a doldrum the moment I reached the magically-cursed number of 25. I was not disappointed. My picture-perfect life was shattered a few months after December. Everything seemed to spiral down the drain so fast I could not get a hold of it.

My solidly happy family crumbled into nothingness almost overnight. A few months later, my then boyfriend and I had one of the messiest break-ups ever. The next month, I resigned from my dream job. Everything was crashing down around me. All I could do was look around and cover my ears. All of these happened in the first half of my 25th year.

Suddenly, I was at a loss as to what to do. I, the woman who always knew what she wanted and worked hard to get it, drowned in pain and disappointment. I was too exhausted to do anything but wallow. How many times has it happened that I got job offers yet turned them down? How many instances was I told to call up this person regarding my interview but I did not? How many people have asked how my family was and I would just smile and say I did not want to talk about it?

I have had numerous people and opportunities urging me to move forward. Yet, I refused to do so. I refused because I was scared. I admit that with all humility. I was scared to bust my ass off working hard for something that can disillusion me so coldly. I refused to invest passion and trust in any relationship only to find that it can be over in a blink of an eye. I don't want to believe that my family can be like it was before only to wake up with one of them gone. I have lost too much. I feared for a reason. My quarter-life crisis has left me frustrated.

This morning, I woke up and realized one thing: I am tired of being frustrated. I find it such an effort to remember all the reasons why I should be depressed. Yes, there are certain things in my life that have not gone according to plan but I am not an isolated case. Others have had it worse. I found myself recalling a mantra I used to tell my friends, "things happen for a reason...everything falls into place...". Even though I have yet to see the reason for such disappointments in my life, I am consumed with the feeling that things can only get better.

Three months from now, if God is willing, I will be granted another year. There are still no promises of blissful existence. But if only for that chance to be happy again, my 26th year is definitely something to look forward to. I have decided to use the "-ber" months to prepare for it.

SHOPAHOLIC'S GUIDE TO MEN 101

2004-09-07T08:05:00.000-07:00

So you guys broke up a month ago and you are done wallowing in the arms of Jose Cuervo. After getting that killer-haircut and to-die-for spa treatment, you now pronounce yourself back in the market: huggable-kissable-available-for-dating. This time though, it’s your turn to go shopping for the one to suit you. You decide on the one that you like and walk past the others. Don’t worry about being so out-of-touch that you might end up with god knows what. MEN do not evolve that fast. You’ll still have the same old choices you had a few years ago:

1.The FILLER
There is nothing really wrong with him but there is nothing really right about him either. He genuinely likes you but you can’t say the feeling’s mutual. You think about him when you feel depressed and call him up when you’re bored but you can’t even remember his face or his name when you’re having the time of your life. You’re just dating him out of boredom.

2.REBOUND ALERT
This is the guy you date because you see one of two extremes: he’s probably so like your ex. In a twisted sort of way it’s like being with your ex: they like the same things, dress the same way, and indulge in the same pastimes. On the other hand, you might just want to erase your past from your system by dating someone that would not remind you of him (and that entails some drastic choices that can even compromise you). Like if your X was a rockstar, you start dating an accountant. Need I say more?

3.FRIENDSTERS
Dating one of your friends can be fun. You probably share a lot of things in common and will be able to understand each other better. However, think twice before you indulge in this because it will cause almost irreparable damage if both of you are not on the same page (read: your idea of future is next week, his is forever). Hello! You would not want to answer questions like: can we go back to being friends?

4.KEEP OUT
No matter how dangerously attractive, dating any one of these men will spell nothing but trouble and it would be better for you to stay away: a priest, a married man or a druggie. The list can go on and on. It does not matter what type of guy you are attracted to—these guys are no-no’s big time lest you end up with a court case of adultery, excommunication from the church or a positive AIDS test. In cases like these, you are better off alone. Use your brains this time.

5.FOR THE LOVE OF SEX
Ah, you don’t date this guy because he makes you laugh and he’s stable enough to marry you. You date him because he has the power to reduce your knees into jelly and turn your blood into liquid fire. He is so damn yummy beneath the sheets that it does not matter if he doesn’t speak English. However, make it clear from the on-set that steamy hot sex is all he is good for and nothing more or else prepare to nurse another heartbreaking disappointment.

6.MR. RIGHT-FOR-YOU
This is the guy you should not meet right away if you’ve just announced yourself back in the market. Dating this guy before you’ve satiated your ego will actually turn him into a REBOUND ALERT or turn you into MS. WRONG-FOR-HIM. This is the guy who makes you laugh, regales you with his intellect, and entices you with his physical prowess. This is the one who makes you believe in a stable-I-am-so-in-love-with-you-let’s-stay-together-relationship again. He can easily take you off your shopping spree so make sure you know what you want by the time you decide to pick him off the shelf.

Shopping around for the right guy for you is like shopping around for the right skirt. In buying the right skirt, you walk around looking for designs you like, try them on for size, check whether they look good on you and then decide if you need it or you can make do without it. Shopping around for the right guy is the same thing—you date a guy, see if you jive well together, check if there is a mutual attraction and decide if he is the one you want or if you can make do without him. Yes, it sounds rather cruel to categorize men like clothing (although men often do that to women). But hey, give yourself a break! You just came from a break-up and you deserve to enjoy a little less complication in your life while your looking for that one man who can turn it into another catastrophe!

MONDAY, MONDAY

2004-09-06T16:21:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day of the work week and I am in my room staring at the ceiling and at what's left of my glow-in-the-dark stars. No rush in this corner of the house. While everyone else is probably in the middle of their morning routine, (applying make-up while driving, grabbing breakfast at the nearest McDonald's, or reading today's edition of LIBRE in the MRT) yours truly is enjoying a long, languorous stretch and heaving a sigh of utter contentment. I know such indolence sends shivers down your spine.

But what can I do? I have to stay home. My career depends so much on how I speak (read: close to perfect pronunciation and diction) and I am nowhere near average with my shiny braces. So until I get used to being a metal-mouth and speak like I had perfectly aligned pearlies, I have no choice but be a glorified bum.

Now, how do I keep myself busy for hours and hours on end? Tough question. It entails a lot of creativity and a certain degree of shallowness. I simply pre-occupy myself with the simplest of things and focus on enjoying them. Otherwise, I will be climbing my walls in boredom and frustration for lack of better things to do. My days usually start at around 10am.

1. The Internet. I have developed a routine that will ensure maximum time consumption. Note that I open windows one at a time. I have to be done with one before I open another.
a. MiRC/Yahoo Messenger- This is the first window I open. I'll try to look for sensible people to chat with. This buys me about 30 minutes to an hour, depending on whose on-line.
b. Friendster- Approve friend requests, reply to messages, and then go through my bulletin boards. If I'm that bored, I answer a couple of surveys posted by other bored people. That done, I would seach the site for some long-lost friends. Another hour or so is covered.
c. Blogger- I open all my blogsites to check if there are any comments on my haloscan or chatboxes. Finding everything satisfactory, I will then proceed to writing new entries. This is where I spend most of my time. I stay on-line for about three to a maximum of five hours. I try to come up with something for both blogs.

2. Movie Marathons- I actually run and re-run films most of the day. I have copies of most of my favorite movies. A little pop corn, bottle of beer and I'm all set for the afternoon.
a. Lord Of The Rings Trilogy- Need I say more? One straight run of LOTR can actually occupy most of the day. But I am so in love with my Lord Aragorn, I can watch him over and over from sunrise to sundown.
b. The Bridges of Madison County- I can't get enough of the scene where Francesca's knuckles were turning white gripping the door handle as she was about to get off her husband's pick up and move over to Robert Kincaid's ride. I cry everytime.
c. How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days- This is my ultimate feel good movie. I get mushy-wushy when I watch this battle of the sexes flick.
d. Harry Potter 1&2- I wanted Daniel Radcliffe for a birthday present but it was illegal to Fedex a minor in the UK so friends settled for giving me a copy of his movies.
e. Meteor Garden 1&2,- Shoot me for being jorlogs but I love this series! I watch certain kilig episodes. Besides, a cd takes about an hour so watching 5 episodes gets rid of five hours.

3. A Good Book- I have a penchant for re-reading my all-time favorites like I've never read them before.
a. Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons- Dan Brown's creations are reasons why I've researched on Leonardo Da Vinci's paintings, the Knights Templar, the Priory of Sion and so many other landmarks in Rome.
b. The Bridges of Madison County- the book is definitely better than the movie. I fell in love with Robert Kincaid after reading his whole letter to Francesca. Aww.
c. Veronika Decides To Die- you have to die in order to live. I read this everytime I feel that I am bored with my life which is something I think of more often now a days.

Ah, the things that keep me "busy" on a slow day like today. Obviously, I decided to pre-occupy myself with blogging. Oh well, at the rate I am going, I can always watch Meteor Garden tomorrow. How exciting.

A THOUSAND FIRST DATES

2004-09-05T23:19:00.000-07:00

I watched 50 First Dates again. Yes, I still felt the surge of yes-it-is-oh-so-cheesy-but-who-cares-feelings. Why shouldn't I have them? In the age of texting, flings and one night stands, it's nice to cling to a hope that there is a decent man out there willing to go super extra miles for the woman he loves.

However, my second serving of the Drew Barrymore-Adam Sandler flick actually left a bitter taste in my mouth. Sue me for thinking that it's a good thing they actually ended the story four years into the Henry-Lucy epic of marital bliss.

Lucy will never love Henry in the way that he loves her. Nothing kills a relationship more than the realization that the person you love the most does not love you and will never love you in the same way. Of course, the first few years, he would still find making VHS updates romantic but it will gradually turn into one huge effort when he realizes the gravity of the situation: she will always be in the first stage of relationships--giddily infatuated but NEVER IN LOVE with him. Everyday. For the rest of their lives. His love may be enough for the both of them, but it would soon be like butter scraped over too much bread. One cannot always take the burden for two people. (I cannot help but recall how Henry lobbied for his right to Unlimited Boob Access on what was supposed to be their 30th Date. Damn, he was already thinking with his hotdog on the 30th Date! Typical. It would be a shame if he did not behave like the typical male.)

Give or take another five years, a thousand more First Dates, two more children, and a heavier forgetful Lucy--you'll be watching 50 Courtroom Hearings starring Henry Roth filing for divorce.

IN A RELATIONSHIP

2004-08-22T13:14:00.000-07:00

Taken. Unavailable. Committed.

I am now in a relationship. Surreal. A few months ago I was so ready to swear off men for the rest of my romantically tragic life. Now, I am in a relationship (I just had to say it again) and I am overwhelmed at the thought of it. Not to mention, wonderfully happy.

He knew almost everything about me. He was there when I had stars in my eyes for someone else. He was right by my side when the same stars lost their twinkle. He was rubbing my back as I was throwing up between tears and did not mind the mess I was making in his car. He would pick me up whenever I needed company and drive me home when I was too tired. Come to think of it, he even knows what I look like when I wake up in the morning!

In turn, I knew almost everything about him. I would listen as he spoke of his random misfortunes. He would tell me tales of how his own stars blinded him. He would call me up for the slightest bit of good news and we would analyze the effects it had on his future. He would play his music and ask for my opinion then outline plans for his band. I also knew what he looked like straight out of bed at seven in the morning.

I should have seen it coming. But I did not. Instead, I convinced myself that we were just friends. It's funny but I found out that if you repeated lies often enough, you end up taking them as the gospel truth. He was not an option.

Until he held my hand.

It was then that I realized that what we had was right. The way we knew each other so well was not a coincidence. It was meant to happen. Some friends want to be lovers and never make it because they're too scared to take the risk. Some lovers want to be friends yet they're too jaded to see through the secrets. We had it just right. Everything was perfect.

Once in a while, someone so beautiful comes along and you cannot help but hold that person's hand and try to make him stay...

That is exactly what happened to me.

BAPTISM OF FIRE

2004-08-15T09:17:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, I took PUVs to get to Makati.

At the risk of sounding like a spoiled brat, I have to admit that I could not remember the last time I rode public transport. I drive my own car, at my own pace, and enjoy the privacy that comes with it. However, since I was too lazy to bring a car to Binondo Manila, a friend offered to take me there. His only condition: meet him in Makati at 10:30am. So there I was half-scared at the thought of my first Public Transport ride ALONE.

Riding the MRT can be quite an experience. I positioned myself by the door in a Standing-Room-Only Carriage as I wanted to be the first person out of it in case anything went wrong. Looking around, I noticed so many other faces--sleepy, rushed, stressed, happy--all of them packed in one train. I watched Metro Manila whizz by through the window. I marvelled at the sight of things I was too busy to bestow a good look at before: the Hang 10 billboard (oh please somebody change it!), the pink fences for the bus lanes (now let's see if that would help), and the sudden increase of MMDA people manning EDSA (woah, there are probably 3 in every corner!).

I know that it's probably mundane for a lot of those who go through that routine everyday: lining up, squeezing into a packed train carriage, panicking at the thought of being late, and worried about being pick-pocketed. But it was wonderful for me.

When you drive your own car, you tend to ignore everything around you. No sound except your own humming to the radio and the angry car horns. Everything outside passes in a blur because you're too busy avoiding rampaging buses, careless pedestrians, and corrupt MMDA officers. You're lucky if you have someone to converse with along the way but in my case, I drive alone. ALONE.

It's amazing what a change of perspective can do. That MRT ride allowed me to BE PART of my surroundings. All of sudden, I wasn't just whizzing past Edsa. I was no outsider that a group of people would see merely as a silver car. I was with them. It felt good to be sharing one of my mornings. I literally had my first morning rush in years and I was not alone.

And if only for that, it was not so bad.

HANDY WOMAN

2004-08-11T23:36:00.000-07:00

I was reminded of a conversation I had with a friend when I accidentally heard a James Taylor song called Handyman. The song talks about this guy who fixes broken hearts and how he is available to comfort and console women twenty-four hours a day.

My friend commented on my pattern of getting involved with the same type of guy. She called it The Boyfriend Profile. It seemed like I actually put out “WANTED BOYFRIEND” advertisements in the papers.

*********************************************************************
WANTED:
A handywoman is looking for a potential boyfriend who fits the following preliminary criteria:
- He must be single for a minimum of one year prior to meeting the handywoman
- He must not be looking for a relationship at present (broken-hearted is a plus)
- He should prefer tall mestizas or chinitas with slim figures and long black hair
- He is either really LOST or extremely FOCUSED in terms of what he wants in life

Please call the Handywoman and schedule an interview.

*********************************************************************

Although I never considered myself to be pretty, I had wonderful suitors. All of them reasonably attractive, well off, and great company. I was pampered with presents and fancy dinners. They were perfect. They were everything a girl could want and need.

I found them boring.

In contrast, all my past relationships started out with me just hanging out with a guy who has been single for the longest time and had no intention of being in a relationship with anyone because of a bad break-up. Also, I was usually the opposite of what they are usually physically attracted to: I am petite, tan, and had short hair. To round it off, they are either glorified bums or intensely focused power-boys that had little time outside work, none of them with a healthy outlook for the right mix of work and play.

A guy friend said that I make a conscious effort to date what he calls “The Lost Boys” bums, workaholics, musicians, artists, idealists and the jaded because I find satisfaction in fixing people and changing them to suit me.

Whatever.

I’m thinking about it though. Am I really a Handywoman?